March 09 - Healing Guidance Newsletter

Relationships
& Intimatcy Guidance

Questions from Readers

Meet Sonia and Raul: Happily married for 24 years, both working professionals living in Long Island.

Sonia: My husband and I had looked forward to our daughter going away to college. We love her dearly and knew we would miss her, but we also were looking forward to spending time together and rekindling our relationship. As things turned out, we are both working a lot more and have wound up spending less time together. What went wrong?

The Communicators: Hello, dearest one, nothing has gone wrong; you are both doing what you need to do at this time. Dear one, there are, shall we say, multiple phases of each of your lives operating simultaneously. Although the empty space of your daughter leaving home has created more intimate time for you and your husband, it has also created some new financial concerns which have shifted your focus off of each other and onto different ways of managing your household. This is one phase. Another phase is that you and your husband have each come to a place in your individual lives in which you want to be more expansive and to do certain things that you had been putting on hold. As your daughter is no longer at home, each of you has a bit more daily freedom and the opportunity to try your hand at other things that would give you personal satisfaction. Dear, all of this is very much in alignment with what you each need to do at this time. As you each feel more fulfilled, you will each be able to bring that much more to your relationship. You are both doing that which makes sense to you and in doing so you are building for your future. The greatest lesson to gain from all of this is to know when to work and when to play. Time must be set aside each week for you and your husband to be fully present for the other, not in regrets, but rather in celebration of how well you both are doing.

Meet Woodland: Woodland is a woman in her 50’s living in New York City, teaching Pilates, dancing and modeling. She works freelance, and has a small amount of money saved, but is by no means wealthy.

Woodland: This is the second time in 6 months a man—first an ex-boyfriend and second a "lover"—has asked to borrow money from me, neither of these instances was emergencies. The first request was after I was told he had "moved on" (but of course wanted to remain friends...). When I explained that I do not loan money to friends, he began to link our past love affair and loving relationship with the lending of money. I was told I was cold, ungenerous, had probably never cared about him or his well being. The second was just as weird, payment for work in my apartment, which he originally said he was doing "out of the kindness" of his heart. I felt used. I have been mad at myself for not just leaving both incidences at "I don't lend money to friends". I caved both times and offered a smaller amount each time. Why does it upset me so much that men feel that it's okay to ask me for money? Why do I attract these types of men? (I have never been asked by a woman! My mom, however, has been asked by many women, has lent large sums, and has never got the money back.) What am I supposed to learn from this?

The Communicators: Hello, dearest Woodland. We are most pleased that you have come forth with this particular question, as there are many women that get pulled into these sorts of situations. Dear, that which you need to know first is that your feelings about this are quite appropriate in that the men in question are using manipulation as a way to puff up their own egos. Dear, that being said, this is rather complicated because there are many layers of feeling in these scenarios. One of which is your own personal feeling about being used, seeing your mother taken advantage of, and a script for life you developed as a result of your own early childhood. You have created certain boundaries in your life as a way to stay “protected and provided for” and you are fairly vigilant about them as long as you do not feel an emotional pull to the other person. This money conversation is really a smoke screen for other issues. Gentlemen #1 was testing you to see if you really did care about him and, when you said “No” to him, that was proof enough that you weren’t willing to go the extra mile for him and with him. However, that is his story and it is not really the truth of where he is in his life. In truth, he is not ready to go the distance in any relationship and it is much easier for him to attack you than it is for him to look inside of himself and to realize that he lacks the courage to expose who he is and to be in a committed relationship.
The anger that came up for you is about being “used” or “treated less than”; this is totally unacceptable to you. And, yet, at times you also buy into it thinking that perhaps they are right! All that being said, why have you attracted this particular energy and this particular lesson in your life? Like a magnetic, you are drawn to the excitement or passion you feel these men may posses and there is also a part of you that is terrified of being “stuck with them”. In a sense, you had to taste this bitter fruit so that you would “get the message”.

Meet Irena and Max:

They have been married for 20 years and have two boys 12 and 3. Since having their second child, Irena, a trained therapist, has been a stay-at-home mom and her husband’s job requires him to travel a great deal.

Irena: After all these years, it still feels as if I’m very dependent on Max (my husband). After all I have done in my life, feeling dependent is not something I am very comfortable with. Why does it anger me to feel dependent? Even our oldest son has noticed that when Max is away our energy is somewhat off. What is going on with us?
The Communicators: Hello dearest one, that which is infuriating you is not what feels like dependency on your husband but more of your lack of freedom. That which you are yearning for is to have far more “freedom” in your life. When Max is not around, this feeling only gets “intensified”—not because you are dependent on Max but rather because you have no way out when he isn’t there. Those are the times you feel most trapped. Dear, this is a difficult idea for you to grapple with for it “shames” you to think that you have moments when you have an inner desire to flee from your children. As long as Martin is around you feel you have “the option” to go, even though that is not anything you would ever do. This is a conundrum for you in that you have no intention of lessening your dedication to your children. But every now and then you need to air how you feel and it is often your husband, Max, who serves as an outlet for your frustrations.

Meet Gloria and Blake: Gloria is a 53 year old music teacher from NYC and mother of a 13 year old daughter. Blake is her first real relationship since her separation 8 years ago; they have been seeing each other for almost a year and a half. Blake is 45 and has been married twice.
Gloria: I am wondering if you could give me some guidance about my relationship with Blake. Communication has been very difficult lately and I feel like he is not opening up and not making time for us to even get together. Yet, at the same time, he tells me I am “still his girl". He seems to have time to ride his bike all over the city but will not commit to making time for me. This is of course pushing all my buttons and I long to have a better and closer relationship with him. Also, he has recently waved the possibility in my face of a “woman friend" who has offered to take him on a cruise—she actually already bought him the ticket—though he says it has not happened and I should not worry. Of course I worry. This is a woman that he got to know a bit when he "broke up" with me in his mind last summer. I don't believe they were physically involved, but I believe she would like to hook him into a relationship. I believe he loves me, yet his actions are not aligned at the moment. How can we improve our communication and heal our relationship?
The Communicators: Hello, dearest Gloria. We welcome you. Your question to us is something of an ongoing question for you. At this time in your life you are feeling a bit like a ship lost at sea and you are focusing on Blake as a way to feel safe and directed. Your feelings of uneasiness have little to do with Blake. Dear, you want Blake to save you from your own discomfort and your daily issues. Dear, you are in a place in your life where you want more and you feel “stuck” and it is easier to focus on what Blake is not doing then to focus on what you need to do for yourself at this time. In terms of Blake, everything is pretty much status quo with him. He does what he does when he wants to do it. This is his temperament and he likes to have a wide open field in which to play. He does love you. However, is general, his way of approaching life tends to be much easier than you are comfortable with. In terms of this “other woman” she may have an interest in Blake, but he is not interested in her, romantically. He does enjoy her company in that they have similar temperaments. To him she is more like a “buddy”. He is also aware that her presence brings up jealousy in you and there is a part of him that is delighted that he could have two women battling over him. Yes, his ego is getting somewhat fluffed up in the process. Dear, this woman is not a threat to you or your relationship with Blake. What is really more “serious”, dear, is your relationship to yourself. Gloria, you have your own inner work to do and you are using “Blake” as a way to avoid facing what you need to face within yourself. Dear, we invite you to redirect your energy inward, for now; there are much more important things for you to process than your connection to Blake.

Special Thanks to Leigh Dean for her generous, wise and loving editing.

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Healing Guidance Newsletter	Issue 6 - 2009 Part 3
Newsletter • The Communicators • The Buzz • Counseling • Past Life Regression • Flower Essences • Link